The school wanted me to write a 500word 'Values Reflection' so these are what I wrote.
Of course there are many other factors which contributed to my depression such as trauma which was totally irrelevant to write for school. So here is my boring value reflection, if you consider it 'values' at the end.. lol
2010
2013
I would come to school on time, give my best into school work and submit my work on time. Lack of sleep was a common thing when you a design student. But I didn't mind, as long as I enjoy what I am doing. Then I start to give up other things in life which i enjoyed to focus on school like gaming and dancing to focus on doing well. But it was never ever good enough. I was never satisfied with what I had produced and often bring myself down and feel like an utter failure.
One of my biggest fear is writing, be it report or research for a communication module. I fear because I belittle myself and felt that my written english is poor compared to the others. I couldn't write like them, I am just a normal technical student who took foundation english and wrote short compositions. They are O levels express students who Ace their english and had written essays after essays. Reports are 'chicken feet' to them and boy did I struggle to write something perfect, to come up with a perfect phrase like them. But no, I couldn't.
I was a failure, the others are better than me, my work is crap. I will never be that perfect person whom i tried so hard to become.
So I fell into major depression. Life didn't seem to make much sense, why do i work so hard for? Who am I trying to prove to? My mother? My relatives? Do they even appreciate all the hard work and effort that I had put into my work and get to where I am today? Just who am I? The mask of sanity which I wore everyday slipped off slowly leaving a trial of confusion, making me sick inside.
I have failed myself and everyone around me, I had never felt so miserable in my life. I got really ill and fantasized about death daily. Like a drug addict I would poison my own mind with negative thoughts.
I had to take time off school for a year to sort out my mind and recover from my illness. I started to ponder if design is something which I really want to do, or was it all just an act? A play which i rehearsed every night before the start of a new day?
For more than a year, I held on to the thoughts of dropping out of poly. I didn't want to quit halfway because I worked so hard to get to where I was today. And I was glad I make that decision to hold on and not give up and to recover.
Here I am today, back in school for a year since the long break. I got into illustration major and met new friends. I still give my best when working on an assignment, but this time I am more calm and confident. I constantly remind myself that I had given my best and it is enough. There is no need to compare nor criticize my work because nothing in the world is perfect.
This is suppose to be a values reflection, I got no idea what values I have learned through this 3 years in school. But after a whole year of trying to drug myself to death, I believe the only value I learned is to value life and to do what you love. Never stop believing in yourself and believe that you can do it. One day, you will achieve your dream.
2 comments:
Your report is very well written. Don't ever doubt yourself n your abilities. I am sure you can do very well. I guess in life, we actually don need to prove to anyone else. We only need to prove to ourselves that we are able to overcome, n be better. Jia you stephanie. I will always be your friend with the white doggie.
Hi there, your blog was shown to me by a friend.
I was touched by your post, I really am. Guess what, I am 24, graduated from TP, an illustrator major as well. I always claim that I have depression since I was born. So you are right, you are not alone. Sometimes, I hope that I could at least have a little faith and move on with life. Anyway, let's live life to the fullest! Every cloud has the silver lightning. :D
Post a Comment