Values Reflection

The school wanted me to write a 500word 'Values Reflection' so these are what I wrote. 
Of course there are many other factors which contributed to my depression such as trauma which was totally irrelevant to write for school. So here is my boring value reflection, if you consider it 'values' at the end.. lol

 

2010

2013

When I first got into TP I was very motivated. I had just graduated from ITE with an award that would fully pay for my poly school fees, I couldn't ask for more. I felt that my life was perfect and I was at the top of the world, I became very obsessed with crafting the perfect life. The perfect girl, the perfect Stephanie.
I would come to school on time, give my best into school work and submit my work on time. Lack of sleep was a common thing when you a design student. But I didn't mind, as long as I enjoy what I am doing. Then I start to give up other things in life which i enjoyed to focus on school like gaming and dancing to focus on doing well. But it was never ever good enough. I was never satisfied with what I had produced and often bring myself down and feel like an utter failure.
One of my biggest fear is writing, be it report or research for a communication module. I fear because I belittle myself and felt that my written english is poor compared to the others. I couldn't write like them, I am just a normal technical student who took foundation english and wrote short compositions. They are O levels express students who Ace their english and had written essays after essays. Reports are 'chicken feet' to them and boy did I struggle to write something perfect, to come up with a perfect phrase like them. But no, I couldn't.
I was a failure, the others are better than me, my work is crap. I will never be that perfect person whom i tried so hard to become.

So I fell into major depression. Life didn't seem to make much sense, why do i work so hard for? Who am I trying to prove to? My mother? My relatives? Do they even appreciate all the hard work and effort that I had put into my work and get to where I am today? Just who am I? The mask of sanity which I wore everyday slipped off slowly leaving a trial of confusion, making me sick inside.
I have failed myself and everyone around me, I had never felt so miserable in my life. I got really ill and fantasized about death daily. Like a drug addict I would poison my own mind with negative thoughts.

I had to take time off school for a year to sort out my mind and recover from my illness. I started to ponder if design is something which I really want to do, or was it all just an act? A play which i rehearsed every night before the start of a new day?
For more than a year, I held on to the thoughts of dropping out of poly. I didn't want to quit halfway because I worked so hard to get to where I was today. And I was glad I make that decision to hold on and not give up and to recover.

Here I am today, back in school for a year since the long break. I got into illustration major and met new friends. I still give my best when working on an assignment, but this time I am more calm and confident. I constantly remind myself that I had given my best and it is enough. There is no need to compare nor criticize my work because nothing in the world is perfect.

This is suppose to be a values reflection, I got no idea what values I have learned through this 3 years in school. But after a whole year of trying to drug myself to death, I believe the only value I learned is to value life and to do what you love. Never stop believing in yourself and believe that you can do it. One day, you will achieve your dream.

S for Silkscreen

It's time for me to search for companies for my internship! I had to find design related companies and I felt like going into companies that does either illustration, graphic design, branding, print or publication.  

Sadly my portfolio is more illustration with minimal graphic design works. I have sent out my resume and link to my online portfolio to more than 15 companies over the last week and some of them had arranged for an interview with me. I hope more them would consider and call me up soon, oh well just hope for the best.

So before I go for an interview I had to prepare an online portfolio and a physical one! 

To make it abit more unique, i decided to perfect bind my portfolio with two wooden cover! 

Took me about 3 days to get the interior to be perfect bound professionally by a store at sunshine plaza, then a whole day to hand bind the wooden cover. I had help from my awesome lecturer with the wood cutting and binding!

The cover was looking pretty plain, so i decided to silk screen my design on it! I got the emulsion and exposure done in school, then did the printing at home. 

Before I print onto my precious portfolio I did my first sampled print on a Tshirt first. In case there are holes (if you know what i mean).. 

 Found a plain black Tshirt and decided to silk screen my design with metallic silver screen printing ink.

 Spread the paint down and done! 

Then it's the portfolio turn, I made a little mistake with the measurement and the design is abit too aligned to the right :( 

But other than that it looks perfect. 

Now I'm all set and ready for the upcoming interviews :)

Mother's Day

When I uploaded my 'Draw my life' video a few weeks back, I got no idea how my mum would respond after watching it. She didn't talk to me for a day and I wondered if she is angry at me for exposing how negative she was? Is she angry with me because her daughter is no virgin like she thought I should be? Or perhaps upset about the trauma during my previous relationship? I got no clue till the next day when my father told me that she is very sad and felt that she destroyed my life.

That afternoon I went home and told her that I don't blame her for anything that had happened. She told me that back then, she didn't know how to teach me about sexuality and had nobody to ask for help. Back then, all my cousins were boys from my mum's side and mostly younger than me, whereas on my dad's side cousins were older and of mixed gender. She said that it didn't occur to her that she could ask my Godmother/Aunt for help.
But what difference would it make anyway? We live in a conservative society. So I just told her not to blame herself, whats done is done. We should perhaps work out a way to educate my younger cousins, to prevent these from happening right?

I don't blame my mother, or anyone. I only have myself to blame.

So for mother's day, I got her a scent diffuser from iwannagohome @ParkwayParade.

Look who decided to pose with the gift lol

Wanted to get her Rose scent but the boyfriend said its such a weird scent. So I bought the 'Boss' scent instead which remind me of my bro's playboy perfume.
When I presented it to her the first thing she said was 'Why didn't you buy Rose? I like rose, this one smells like your brother.' -_-
I didn't tell her about the rose scent. I should have gotten the rose scent since I knew she like scented roses. But she liked the gift and thanked me anyway.

Brought Barney to the vet this afternoon for his annual vaccine.
Was shocked to find out that he put on weight from 12kg to 15.8kg! omg... We only feed him once a day, I think it's time to cut down on treats and go for more walks.

Getting some love from daddy (I designed his tee if you were wondering)

After dinner at a nearby market place, dad drove us to Punggol Waterway for a walk in the park! It was our first time there and it sure made Barney exhausted! 

 Forced to take picture with jiejie

Forced to stay and take picture alone

Crossing the bridge with daddy

Forced to stay and take more photos. lol

The Paper Stone

First of all I want to say a big THANK YOU to those who shared and watched my first youtube video.  I really appreciate the support and kind comments.

Today I stumbled upon a store called 'The Paper Stone' in Katong I12. I was immediately drawn to the store logo and wall illustrations from one floor below and excitedly told my boyfriend that we MUST go in there!

I started to hyperventilate when I saw the illustrations on notebooks, scrapbooks, files etc. I am such a sucker for illustrated patterns, especially of cute animals.

I was especially drawn to this fox illustration and I was hoping to get a sketchbook with that specific pattern, but they only have them on 'lined' books! I don't want lines, I have no use for lined books. I need a plain sketch book! So the store assistant recommended another sketch book which i fell in love with too.
Also if we spend $20 in a single receipt, we could get a free cup lid and the bf wanted one!

Here are my loots today

I bought a ring file with the cute fox illustration, a green sketchbook and a kitty pen!

I can slot the kitty pen into the sketchbook!

What I drew on the first page with my kitty pen!

So there are a few pages in front that had a 'comment section' I decided to stick these two stickers which my classmate Tessa gave me.

A sketch of the way Barney pee haha

In rest of the pages are blank and you can actually it tear off.

The paper store carry a range of stationary and paper goods too, you can check out their website
http://www.ThePaperStone.com/

You won't believe how many sketchbook I have at home. Most of them are unfinished lol