Hi Guys, after much consideration I have decided to convert my creative blog into a more personal one. I know you must be thinking "Meh, why do we care? Steph rarely blogs anyway."
But I promise I will try to blog more often okay? I will still continue to blog about my work and sketches, so don't worry!
Secondly, I feel that it's about time I open up to everyone about my sudden disappearance from this blog between 2011 to 2012. Well it's not just from this blog, but from society and the whole social network.
So here is the truth.
You see, sometime in January 2011 I fell into major depression and had anxiety. The anxiety and sudden fear of people kept me away from all contacts from the world and I was very down. I wasn't myself for a long time and I had to defer my studies for over a year. I was suicidal and was admitted into a mental hospital just to keep myself alive. I tried to kill myself numerous times by overdosing and had a near death experience but apparently God decided that my time wasn't up so here I am.
I am grateful for being alive, although I am not a very religious catholic I somehow feel that God put me through all these test and obstacle in life because he wants to me to learn and share.
When I started to get back into society, friends and people I know wondered what happened and where I've been to, they didn't dare to ask because I don't talk about it. Some of them thought that I failed my modules and I'm a retainer. It's not wrong for them to assume, because back then I was afraid. Afraid of how society will see me again, will they accept me? Would they think that I am mad? Why am I so weak? Why can't I be like the others? Why must I go through all these? Why me?
Then I realise how alot of people in Singapore had poor knowledge of mental illness and how alot of them are falling into depression but refuse to acknowledge it or seek help.
For example, when I told a couple of friends that I'm going to meet a girl whom I met from the mental hospital, their replies were somehow negative. The first thing they did was assumed that she is 'mad'. Which is very sad and the reason why I refused to share with people regarding my condition.
Firstly I feel that its wrong to label all mentally ill person as 'Mad'
We are not 'mad' we are just sick. Sometimes we break down or may act strangely and do things on impulse, but we can't help it. We don't want to be like this, we want to be normal too!
But don't worry, mental illness could be cured with medications to balance the brain chemicals and the right therapy.
Previously I also told some people whom I trusted regarding my condition and alot of them told me "Huh you sure or not? You look fine."
Well my dear friends, look is not everything. I may put on make up and look pleasant in front of everybody, but nobody really knows what is going on in my head every second. I could be fantasizing about my death and dwelling about how miserable my life is.
Then there is those that would say "Huh? Why you complain about your life, it looks fine. You got a nice family, a caring boyfriend and everything that you wanted."
"Aiya it's just all in the mind. Just try and be more positive"
Yes I may have all these and I am grateful for them, but depression don't just come so suddenly and it's not simply just 'all in the mind'
My depression was built up over the years since I was young. My parents knew that I was different but they didn't know what to do with me. When I started cutting my wrist in primary school, a tutor advised my father to bring me for counseling.
It was nice to have someone to talk to but I don't remember how much it helped me because I was so young then and my memory is so fuzzy. But what I do remember is, I stopped going to a counselor for help because in Secondary school my friends teased me and called me 'mad' for seeing one.
Then as I grew up, I met alot of wrong guys. The first guy i trusted and went out with molested me and I'm pretty sure he wanted to rape me in that secluded stairways, but thankfully he didn't. I was only 14 then and did not know what sex was.
Boys come and go, none of them are serious about being with me. All they want is to get into my pants, oh how I envy my friends who are in love and had someone to love in return.
Then at 17 I met my first love, it was a very complicated relationship and the most painful and traumatic time of my life. I was sexually and emotionally abused for a year.
I became depressed and suicidal but I broke free.
I turn my life around. I cannot go on like this so I mad very big changes to my life. I broke up with that guy, broke a traineeship bond with ITE and I met my current boyfriend. With his and another friend's support I went to pursue my true dream.
I took a 2 year course in Digital Media Design in ITE. My parents did not support me, they had little knowledge of design and think art can't feed you. I paid my school fees and I did very well in school.
I was different, I put my past behind me, I became a perfectionist. An achiever.
I got perfect score of 4.0GPA and won the prestigious Lee Kwan Yew Scholarship, which would pay for my full course of study in poly. Yes I don't need to pay for my school fees and my parents can save their money to pay for my brother's school fee instead.
I was a the top of the world.
But in poly, I couldn't keep up with the perfection and I fall.
I fall really hard, I felt like I would become who I used to be before perfection. But learned the hard way that nothing is forever perfect.
I am currently seeing a psychiatrist for medications to balance my brain chemical and a psychologist for psychotherapy. As I seek treatment, I learned from my psychologist that all the little things in my past, my troubles since young and my traumatic experience with my ex boyfriend.. They all play a part and contributed to my depression.
What I was, who i pretend to be.. was it really me? Or was it all just a mask to cover up my painful past?
What makes me different from alot of other people is my motivation to recover. There are some people I knew who had depression and quit school, but I didn't. I am still pursuing my diploma and I hope to graduate next September. There are times where I felt sad and blame myself for being slow, but it is better late then never right?
I also seek help and take my medications regularly. Some concern friends advised me to go off the medications because I seem 'perfectly fine' or 'full recovered' but I can't. My doctor don't want to take me off the pill because there is still chances of relapse.
You can't judge me for how I look to you, you don't know what happened. Same for others, I'm very sure there are other people out there who suffers in silence, afraid to seek help, afraid to speak out and cry to themselves at night but still go about their daily lives normally in front of others.
You are not alone.
I decided to share this short summary of my story
because I want people to know how I fell into depression (or be an example
of how one fall into depression) and not to judge someone before you
know the full story.
I really hope you get the idea.
By the way, this post is a short summary of a upcoming book which I hope to published called 'Sketches of Life, Love & Pain' It's (you guessed it) a memoir with my illustrations.
Currently I've sent a few manuscript out to local publishers, hopefully one of them would want to publish it. If not, I could always start an Ebook :)
Lastly, here is a picture of someone who made a huge difference and aided me in my recovery process
Barney the corgi.
God Bless
(And pardon me for my poor grammar, my English isn't fantastic and I used to have a fear of writing)
